MNM's Adventures into TV Land
by TheTawnyColoredAbyssOfDoom
Summary: Matt assumed that he could fix the TV. ...He also assumed that he wouldn't be shot 24 times. Matt never was good at assumptions.
1. TERROR ZERO: The Prologue

**A/N:**

**Abyss: We came up with this at, like, 4AM... Yes, we are very much insane. *wonders mildly htf whatever we were talking about made us think of this* During the duration of this fic, Mello is 13, Near is 12, and Matt is 11!**

**Tawny: We also must apologize now to Mello, Matt, and Near... Because... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHA... hahaha... They'll be lucky if they live through this...**

**Mello, Matt, & Near: O-O'**

**Matt: T.T**

**Mello: -.-**

**Near: *still O-O'-ing***

**Abyss: Ohyeah! We don't own Death Note or the characters DD:**

**Mello: Thank God...**

**Tawny: OR any of the other shows/whatevers & their characters that may or may not appear in this fic! :/ *mutters* Stupid Abyss, THIS IS A CROSSOVER FIC!**

**Abyss: DX SHUDAP**

* * *

><p><strong>MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures int TV-Land! :DDD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>TERROR ZERO: MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures into THE PROLOGUE! :O<strong>

* * *

><p>"Dude, you're playing Pokemon, why do you need to watch it too?"<p>

"I'm listening to the voices! Just shut up, I'm trying to listen!"

"_You_ shut up! And give me the fucking remote!"

Near rolled his eyes, marveling at how the two called each other 'best friends' when they never got along. Ever.

...Ever.

...

Anywho...

It was the typical rainy Saturday evening in the 'Study Room' (Which was never used for studying...) at Wammy's- Mello was bored as hell and abusing Near, Matt was playing videogames, the two were arguing, Near was playing with Optimus Prime and dodging Mello's mental attacks (but not most of the physical ones...), and Linda was trying to convince Mello and Near to let her play with their hair.

I repeat- Linda was trying to convince Mello and Near to let her play with their hair.

Does not go over well.

"Hey Mello~"

"No, for the googolplexth time!"

"That's not even a word! You can't just add -th to any random number!"

"Shut up Matt!"

Linda grinned, dashing out of the room. Before shutting the door behind her, she called over her shoulder; "I'll go get my hair ponies~"

"What the fuck is that? A pony that goes in your hair?"

"My God, Matt, you're clueless..."

After the torturing of Mello and Near, and an attempted Matt (who very vehemently shoved Linda away, scaring several little kids who thought Matt was, quote, "a cuddly gaming teddy bear", in the process), Linda limped off to Roger's office to patch up a bloody lip Matt gave her.

...

He was NOT afraid to harm a female if they came at him brandishing a brush and ponies that stepped on your hair.

Glaring at the door, Matt turned off his Nintendo and everybody stared. Just stared.

Matt never turned off his DS.

Ever.

... EVER.

Anywho.

Mello stared as Matt crossed the room and Near froze with his dice-holding hand in midair, just watching. Matt kneeled in front of the TV, pressing a big button and sitting cross-legged, just watching.

Matt was watching television.

Without his Nintendo.

"... Matt? You okay...?"

"Yep. I saved the princess again."

Near nodded in understandment; he often got tired of his own toys, seeking entertainment of some other kind. TV was just an easy alternative.

Mello blinked, cracking off a bite of chocolate. He stiffened as Matt narrowed his eyes; Standing up, he went over to the couch and grabbed the remote, resuming his earlier position in front of the TV.

_I wish these guys would stop monitoring me like I'm a ticking time-bomb,_ Matt thought to himself.

As Matt was flicking through channels, the TV suddenly went black. Blinking, Matt looked behind the TV, finding nothing. Flopping down on his stomach, he began dismantling the TV, exploring what's wrong with the damned thing. Mello watched curiously as Matt disconnnected some wires and then re-connected them to other wires.

"There... let's see..." Matt said, flicking the TV on, and suddenly, none of them could breathe, and their chests felt like they were imploding.

The air around them felt like it was getting twisted and they were twisting with it. Mello, Matt and Near fell to the ground, panting, and unable to breathe until the air settled. Mello, who had fallen flat on his face, opened his eyes and noticed one thing immediately: "Why the fuck are my fingers square?" The second thing he noticed was that his voice sounded gay. "And why does my voice sound gay? !"

They stood up, and Matt noticed... _Where's Near?_ Just now comprehending what Mello had said, he looked at his own hands; "Mels, I do not have a pinkie. I think you're just fine." After saying this, he too noticed that his voice was set at an annoyingly higher pitch. "..."

Matt then turned to look at Mello, and immediately burst out laughing.

"Mels... You've been eating... too much chocolate... And you've got an awful bowl cut..."

Mello glared towards Matt.

"Speak for yourself; you're twenty times more out of shape from playing videogames as you were before!"

"But you're fucking _fayat!_"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Where's Sheep?" Mello asked, like he really cared.

_Baaaa._

"What... the fuck?" Matt asked, looking around. Once they started to look around, Mello noticed the trees were... they had faces.

Turning around in a full circle, they took in the scenery fully.

The grass was a sickening shade of blue, apples were purple, tree trunks were orange. It was like, to Matt, they were stuck in world four in New Super Mario Bros.

He wasn't sure whether to be ecstatic or to be freaked out.

He went with the latter.

"What the fuck? !"

They continued to turn, until Matt heard Mello scream and fall to the ground.

Mello, on his end, had slowly turned until he had come face to face with a pair of deep, chocolate brown eyes.

"AAHH!" he screamed, falling back, and since he fell, he could now see all of the person who had so suddenly freaked him out.

She had a brown bowl cut that stuck out unnaturally from her head, her eyes took up most of her face, and she had a very pedo-ish smile. She wore a pink shirt and a purple backpack, wearing on her wrist a yellow bead bracelet with a blue flower on it. Her shorts were a sickening day-glo orange.

_Oh, dear God... Oh, God, no, please, God, NO!_

"Hi there, I'm Dora!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Abyss: HEYYYY EVERYONEEEEE~ Say 'melodic' how it should be said based on the fact that the base word is 'melody'**

**Tawny: . . .**

**Pants: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!**

**Tawny: GO AWAY PANTS YOU CAN'T BE HERE THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE YET**

**Abyss: I have no problem with him being here.**

**Tawny: HIM? It's an it! Why are you personifying it? ! IT'S AN IT! ! !**

**Abyss: ...It's a character.**

**Pants: HEY LOOK~ there's Mello sulking in a corner being emo! GO CRY EMO KID GO CRY!**

**Mello: STFU! & GTFA!**


	2. FIRST TERROR: Dora the Explorer

_**A/N:**_

**Tawnehness: *monotonously* MUA...HA...HA...HA...HA...HA...**

**Abyssehness: o.o" W...TF...**

**Tawnehness: ****...HA...HA...HA...HA...HA...**

**Abyssehness: o_o"""**

**Tawnehness: We don't own Death Note, Dora, or the concept of rape.**

**Abyssehness: ... Well I hope not...**

**Tawnehness: Because that would be wrong. Just... just wrong.**

**Abyssehness: Yeah... ... ... ... ...**

**Tawnehness: ****MUA...HA...HA...HA...HA...HA...**

**Abyssehness: T.T'**

**Tawnehness: Oh, and also, just letting you guys know that every single song in there is a real one used in at least one episode, with the exception of some changed lyrics ^^ Like... Yes, Map said 'map' that many times. **

**Abyssehness: ... wow... this show is... so... perverted...**

**Tawnehness: XDDD **

**Matt, Diego, Dora, and Boots: LET'S ALL SWING LIKE THE ANIMALS DO! :D **

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><p><strong>MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures into TV-Land! :DDD<strong>

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><p><strong>FIRST TERROR: MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures into Dora The Explorer! :D<strong>

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><p>"Hi there, I'm Dora!"<p>

"..."

"..."

"Dora, Dora, look what I found!" a little blue monkey with a tuft of hair on the top of his head, a pink face, and a yellow belly, with red boots (Matt was guilty of being jealous) said excitedly, running up to Dora.

"Boots! What did you find?" Dora asked, dramatically gasping.

"I don't know," the monkey, 'Boots', looked sad as he said this. He then held up a giant-ass cottonball, made a pedo-grin, and turned to something unseeable to Matt and Mello. "Do YOU know what it is?"

After a few seconds of silence, Boots nodded enthusiastically. "That's right! It's a sheep!"

Mello's eyes met Matt's. They both had the same three thoughts, in this exact order;

_'WTFH?'_  
><em>'...Near?'<em>  
><em>'...WHAT. THE. FUCKING. HELL.'<em>

"Good work, Boots! You found a sheep!"

"But what do we DO with it?" he asked, puzzled.

"It's a fucking SHEEP! You don't _do_ ANYTHING with it!" Mello said, standing back up and yelling at the duo.

"And you don't do anything with this, either..." a husky, condescending voice said from somewhere close to Mello, and Boots and Dora clapped.

Matt glanced over to Mello, looked down a little, and had to burst out into laughter.

"Mello..." he gasped between fits of laughter, "your pants... the crotch... it has a fucking FACE!"

Mello stiffened. Swallowing, he looked down; sure enough, he had been stripped of his manlihood by having eyes and an OPEN mouth placed over his crotch.

"AHHH!"

"Pfft, stop being a scaredy-pants."

"..."

Matt was still laughing hysterically, and Dora and Boots were still clapping.

"Hello Pants!" the latter called out.

"...You named it? That's like bringing home a dog, asking your parents if you can keep it, them saying no, and then giving it a name! It's not a fucking pet!"

Boots leaned over to talk to Dora in secrecy. "Dora... what does 'fucking' mean?"

"I don't know, Boots." The girl turned to the unseeable being again with yet another pedo smile. "Do YOU know what 'fucking' means?"

After about a minute of silence, Dora lifted her arms into the air for seemingly no reason. "That's right! 'Fuck' means sex!"

Matt suddenly stopped laughing. "Wait... is this airing?"

* * *

><p><strong>(In some random American household)<strong>

"John, turn it off."

"But... Won't this make 'The Talk' easier?"

"TURN IT OFF, JOHN."

* * *

><p>"...Nah. They'd never let that happen."<p>

"... Matt... I think this is live... or they would have kicked us off by now..."

"Baaaa."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEAR!"

"... ba."

Mello silently fumed while his pants- affectionately named 'Pants' by Dora- made snarky comments to/about him.

"You'd like to shut him up, wouldn't you? But you wouldn't be able to, because there's nothing here!"

Dora and Boots started clapping again, & Mello seethed. "Stop encouraging it!" Abruptly the two stopped clapping. "...um... Thanks." Mello said, bewildered.

Dora began talking to the nothingness again. "Today, we're going to my abuela's house! 'Abuela' means 'grandmother' in Spanish! We're going there to make chocolate! **(Note: pronounced cho-co-LA-tay)** 'Chocolate' **(Note: Same)** is Spanish for 'chocolate'!"

"I don't fucking care about your abuela my pants are fucki- D-did you say... Chocolate? ...Me gusta el chocolate..." **(Note: SAME, MOFO!)**

"¡Sabemos that Mello likes el chocolate!" Dora said in horrible half-Spanish.

"¿Cómo sabes mi nombre? !" Mello growled.

"¡Sabemos names de todos!"

"... ¿POR QUÉ sabe mi nombre? !"

"¡Sabemos names de todos!"

"... ¿Y por qué hablo mejor español que el joven español de mierda?..."

"... ¿Porque tú eres un genio Wammy y tuvo que aprender diez idiomas?" Matt guessed.

"¡PERO ELLA ES JODIDO ESPAÑOL!"

Boots once again turned to the person under the invisibility cloak. "Do YOU know what they said?" Silence. Sweet, creepy, empty silence. With a pedo-grin. Just like everything else in this godforsaken place. "That's right! They said 'Llamas eat Fantastic Sams Wammy house is full of fun Spanish Mello is girly and sexy and likes yaoi doujinshi MxNxM FTW Spanish Spanish French!'"

"WHAT THE? No it's not! I said that I liked chocolate, then you said that you knew I liked chocolate, then I asked how you knew my name, then you said you knew everyone's name, then I asked WHY you knew my name, then you said that you knew everyone's name, then I asked why I spoke Spanish better than the Spanish girl, then Matt said maybe it was because we have to learn 10 languages at Wammy's, and then I said 'BUT SHE'S FUCKING SPANISH!'" Mello said quickly, jumping to his own defense... And maybe Matt's and Near's too, with that one comment...

"Suuuuure that's what you said..." 'Pants' put in. Boots and Dora started clapping again.

"REALLY? Are my pants THAT FUCKING INSPIRATIONAL to where you have to clap every time he... Ohmygod... I just called my pants a 'he'... IT! IT says something?"

Boots and Dora stopped clapping the moment Mello's voice reached their ears.

"..."

"Look, it's not my fault..." Pants trailed off as Dora and Boots started clapping AGAIN, "I wish they'd stop too."

"Hmm..." cue end of clapping.

"Maybe if you talk at the same time I do?" cue clap clap clap.

"Then how the fuck am I supposed to ignore you? !" [/clap]

"Why are you trying to ignore me?" CLAP, CLAP, CLAP YOUR HANDS!

"BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN." Eh... nevermind... clapping's overrated.

"Well I feel loved," Pants noted sarcastically. OHWAIT! THIS JUST IN! CLAPPING IS _BACK!_ "You know, I'm just a fucking pair of pants. You could just take me off or something..."

"THEN WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I BE WEARING? This is DORA THE EXPLORER, they didn't think to draw undergarments under our clothing!" Eh, clapping is so last second...

"So in other words, you're not wearing any underwear." OMG CLAPPING IS, LIEK, THE NEXT BIG THING!

"WHAT THE FUCK? ...Wouldn't you know this?" ENDCLAP.

"Maybe. But maybe I just feel like embarrassing you on live TV." OMG WE LOVE CLAPPING!

". . ." Ugh, look, they're clapping. What dicktards.

"..."

". . ."

"..."

". . ."

"..."

"Dot dot dot!" Matt cut in, yet again.

". . ."

"BAAAAA!"

"STFU NEAR!" Mello and his pants said in unison, which caused Dora and Boots to attempt to clap with one hand.

Fail.

"STOP WAVING AT MEH, PEDO-MONKEH!" Matt yelled, starting to feel creeped out.

"Because we all know they're waving at Matt. Mello has nothing to rape." Pants added. Dora and Boots clapped in agreement.

"ALRIGHT, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE!" Mello yelled, walking to the nearest neon bush.

Because only in a cartoon would Mello strip.

...

Wait...

"Baaa ba Mello-kun baaaa?"

"I'M FUCKING TAKING THESE PANTS OFF, NEAR! NOW STFU!"

"Baa baaa ba a baaaaaaa'a baaa!"

"I KNOW IT'S A CHILDREN'S SH- WHAT THE FUCK? !" Mello glanced down to see Pants'... leg... arm... pantleg thing wrapped around his leg.

"If you don't put me back on I am dragging you out of this bush. I can and will do so, then I will walk off and leave you there, Pant-less." Pants said in a very authoritative tone that caused Dora and Boots to, once again, clap.

"..."

". . ."

"Fine."

After a minute, Mello emerged, now wearing his Pants once again. There was a leaf stuck in his hair.

"Leaves stick to rapists. But that's impossible, because you have nothing to rape with." More clapping.

"WTF?" (endclap)

"Ahhh Mello's a rapist!" Matt gasped dramatically.

Mello glared down at his pants. "What the- Fine. You know what? Whatever. Just... Matt, what do we have to do to get out of this Hellhole?" Mello asked, trying to get as far away from his own pants as possible.

Epic fail.

"Well, I think we need to find another TV-"

"There's a TV in the Mall!" Dora chimed in, "But we're not going there. We're going to my abuela's house for chocolate! **(Note: SAAAAAAAAME)**"

"..." Matt.

"..." Near.

"...Chocolate..." Mello.

"We need to know how to get to my abuela's house! Do YOU know someone who would know how to get to my abuela's house?" Dora asked, smiling and turning pedo-ly to 'YOU'.

"Shouldn't you know? And why would _w_e know? It's your damn grandma!" Mello yelled, still ticked about earlier... incidents.

"That's right, Map would know! I need YOUR help! Can YOU check the map to see where we need to go to get to my abuela's house?" Dora half-screamed, totally ignoring Mello.

"..."

"In order to call Map, we need to say 'Map'! Can YOU say 'Map'?"

"Say 'Map'! Say 'Map'!" Boots yelled, jumping up and down.

"..." Mello.

"..." Sheep.

"MAP! :D" Matt.

Because Matt can say emoticons.

"Louder!" Dora.

"MAP, MOTHERFUCKER :DD" Matt half-screamed to match Dora's volume.

A giant piece of paper with, you guessed it, a pedo-grin, popped out of Dora's backpack and pushed them all off-screen.

"WATH THH FUCKTH? !" Mello yelled, smothered.

"IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOT TO GO, I'M THE ONE YOU NEED TO KNOW, I'M THE MAP! I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, IF THERE'S SOMEWHERE YOU NEED TO GET, I COULD GET YOU THERE I BET, I'M THE MAP! I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAAAP!"

"..." Mello.

"..." Sock.

"..." Pants.

":D" Matt.

"Dora and Boots need to get to Abuela's house to get some chocolate from The Chocolate Treeeeee! **_I_** KNOW HOW TO GET TO ABUELA'S HOUSE!" Map began, somehow managing to dance across himself, "FIRST, you need to go THROUGH the DARK CREEPY EVIL MENACING HAUNTED PEDO-FILLED RAPE FOREST, THEN you need to go OVER the BRIDGE AT DIEGO'S SOCIAL RECLUSE ANIMAL OBSESSED TREEHOUSE THING, and THAT'S how you GET to ABUELA'S HOUSE! So then you can terrorize the chocolate tree! So here's what you tell Dora; Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house! Say it with me, DARK CREEPY EVIL MENACING HAUNTED PEDO-FILLED RAPE FOREST, BRIDGE AT DIEGO'S SOCIAL RECLUSE ANIMAL OBSESSED TREEHOUSE THING, ABUELA'S HOUSE! DARK CREEPY EVIL MENACING HAUNTED PEDO-FILLED RAPE FOREST, BRIDGE AT DIEGO'S SOCIAL RECLUSE ANIMAL OBSESSED TREEHOUSE THING, ABUELA'S HOUSE! DARK CREE-"

"We'th goth ith, altheathy!" Mello growled, still unable to pronounce correctly do to the fact that a giant-ass map was in his face.

"DARK CREEP-"

"Noth."

"DA-"

"Noth."

"DAR-"

"NOTH!"

'The Map' grinned pedo-ly, grew suddenly until it was practically eating the screen, and then leaped back into Dora's hideous purple backpack.

"How do we find Abuela's house?"

"Were you not listening? !" Mello growled.

"Mello-kun, baa baaaa baaaa ba baaa baa baaaaaaa baa ba baaaaaaa baaa baa baaa."

"I DON'T CARE THAT THE WHOLE POINT WAS FOR THE CHILDREN TO INTERACT WITH THE SHOW! SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LISTENING!"

Meanwhile, Matt had a pedo-grin on his face and was repeating the instructions for Dora. "...RECLUSE ANIMAL OBSESSED TREEHOUSE THING, ABUELA'S HOUSE! :D"

"OhGodMattNotYouToo..."

"Hey, while we're stuck here, we might as well just go along with it :D"

"...Man, I don't even know you anymore."

"Ba."

"For once I'm going to let Near agree with me without tearing his fucking head off."

"So what's the alternative, then? If you're going to hate him and not kill him, then in the minds of yaoi fans you two must be fucking each other! But that's not possible, because you've got nothing to fuck with!" Dora and Boots began clapping again.

"..." Then they stopped.

"Not denying it?" Then they clapped.

"I'm just going to ignore you." Then they stopped.

"IT'S CONFIRMED!" Then they clapped.

"..." Then they stopped.

". . ."

"..."

". . ."

"... :D" The authors suddenly regret giving Matt emoticon power, for we now fear that he will be killed, and his pretty face ruined.

As if to distract Mello from killing his 'best friend', three boxes appeared out of nowhere. While maintaining her creepy eye-contact with 'YOU', Dora pointed to each of the boxes in turn- "Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house! First we go through the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, and then we'll go over the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, and THAT'S how we get to Abuela's house! Thanks for helping!"

"YOU'RE ENCOURAGING MATT NOW? ! HE DIDN'T DO JACK SHIT!"

"Well YOU didn't do Jack Shit either! 'Cause you have nothing to do him with!" Cue more clapping.

"So FIRST we have to find the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest!" Dora said, taking Boot's hand, who in turn grabbed Matt's hand (which he, surprisingly, did not enjoy. He would go along with the plot, but he WOULD FUCKING NOT be raped by a pedo-monkey. (lol, foreshadowing.) ) Dora grabbed Mello's hand (he would have shot it, but he couldn't find his gun) and Near rode on Mello's head, which pissed him off even more.

They only walked about five steps before Dora stopped, again looking to 'YOU' for guidance. "Do YOU see a dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest?"

"I do! I do! It's right there! :D" Matt jumped up and down, reliving childhood memories.

Wait...

...

Shit...

Might wanna stay away from the childhood memories...

You know...

With the whole being an orphan thing...

...

Anywho.

"IT'S FUCKING BEHIND YOU!" Mello yelled, exasperated.

"Well you wouldn't be fucking Behind You, now would you?" Clappity Clapp Clap.

A giant-ass blue arrow appeared from out of nowhere and flew past them, almost shaving Mello's hair. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR? !" The arrow ignored him and clicked on a patch of trees just down the path.

"YEAH, THERE'S THE DARK CREEPY EVIL MENACING HAUNTED PEDO-FILLED RAPE FOREST!" Boots screamed.

"Come on, let's go steal chocolate from Abuela! Come on, say it with us! Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house! Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house!" The duo sang in awful voices as Boots did flips to cover up the fact that he was staring at Dora's ass and Dora walked unnaturally down the path.

"Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house! :D" Matt sang with them.

"...I honestly don't know you anymore, dude..."

"Baa."

"YEAH WELL I BET YOU WOULDA LIKED TO KNOW HIM BETTER! BUT YOU COULDN'T! YOU NEVER COULD! EVER!" Clapping in isle 12.

The singing duo ran down a hill, Boots taking every opportunity to touch Dora. Mello (with Mr. White Fluff riding on his head) just walked along, deadpanning, and saying random things like 'You know your outfit matches worse than Matt's, right?' 'Are you aware that your stomach is showing?' 'Why is a eight year old allowed to 'explore' the fucking world anyway?' 'Where's your green card?' 'Why are you so fucking fat? Are they supporting childhood obesity or something?' 'Have you ever realized that all your best friends are rainbow-colored animals? I think you need to get some help...' etc., and Pants was making snarky comments, after which Dora and Boots would clap, though never pausing in their annoying song. Occasionally a purple snail, an orange cricket, and a blue frog would pop out of the bushes to help them sing. Matt sang along, though he was too lazy and out of shape to dance.

...

What? He plays video games all day, you actually expect him to be active? Not to mention that he probably has lung cancer... OHWAIT, that's not yet ^~^ Sorry!

"Where are we going?"

"ABUELA'S HOUSE :D"

"Where are we going?"

"ABUELA'S HOUSE :D"

"Where are we going?"

"ABUEL-"

"ALRIGHT WE GOT IT!"

"But you don't have anything, do you?" Claaaaaaaaap.

"BAAAAAA!" Even Near seemed ticked.

Dora and Boots spun around a bit while giggling gaily, then finally let out one last "AB-UEL-A'S HOUSE!"

Three seconds later they arrived at the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedo-filled rape forest.

"..."

"..."

":D"

"¡Cuidado! ¡Cuidado!" came a random voice from the trees.

"BAAA!" Near yelled, clamping on to Mello's head as tight as he could, which wasn't that tight, considering he had hooves.

Mello snickered. "What, you afraid something's going to run off with you?"

"Well nothing would EVER run off with you! There'd be no point! Even the sheep's got more to rape than you!" OMK, THAT WAS SO... SO INSPIRATIONAL! SO AWE-INSPIRING! LET'S HAVE A STANDING OVATION!

"..."

"Who's that?" Dora asked the invisibility-ness.

"Señor Tucán! :D" Matt answered, not at all ashamed that he actually remembered the bird's name.

"Hey look! It's señor Tucán!"

"...But that's what I just said D:"

"¡Cuidado! ¡Cuidado! ¡Cuidado!"

"WE GOT IT! WE'LL WATCH OUT! NOW FUCK OFF!"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd just loooooove to jack him up, but you wouldn't be able to!" Moreeeeeeeee clappinggggggggg.

Boots leaned towards 'señor Tucán' like he wanted to rape him.

"Señor Tucán wants us to watch out!" Dora half-screamed, the pedo-smile still clear on her face.

"Dora, Boots," A random thought bubble appeared out of nowhere, filling up with pictures of the following... "En la oscuridad espeluznante bosque del mal amenazante violación encantada llena de pedófilos, hay fantasmas vengativos..."

"In the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, there are vengeful ghosts..."

"Violadores violar,"

"Raaaping rapistssss,"

"¡Y un COCODRILO DEVORADOR DE HOMBRES!

"And one man-eating crocodile!"

"AHHH D:" Matt screamed, half-enthusiastically.

Mello stared at Dora and Boots, who were still wearing their pedo-smiles. "And you aren't worried by that... AT ALL?"

"¡El terror no te dejará pasar a menos que usted les da unas galletas!"

"The terrors won't let us pass unless we give them some COOKIES!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Mello and Pants had nothing to say to that, Near had just decided that it was just better to remain invisible, and even Matt couldn't get past how badly that could be taken.

"¡Gracias, señor Tucán!"

"HE JUST TOLD YOU THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE POSSESSED, RAPED, AND EATEN! AND YOU'RE THANKING HIM? !" Mello yelled.

"¡De nada!" the bird called after himself as he flew off, leaving like 43256436 feathers behind.

"I have some cookies in my backpack!"

"Oooooof course you do..."

"You don't have any cookies in YOUR backpack!" Zomg moreeeeeee clappinggggggg.

"I need YOUR help! Will you check my backpack to find the cookies?"

"DO IT YOURSELF, YOU SELFISH BITCH!"

"BAAA!"

"SHUT IT NEAR I WILL NOT WATCH MY LANGUAGE!"

"Ba!"

"...Oh... Nevermind then..."

"YOU'D LIKE TO DO HER YOURSELF, WOULDN'T YOU? BUT YOU COULDN'T!" Pants droned on, and Dora and Boots were, once again, clapping.

"In order to open my backpack, YOU have to say 'Backpack'!"

"Say 'Backpack', say 'Backpack'!" Boots insisted, still grinning pedo-ish-ly.

"BACKPACK :D"

"...Really, Matt? _Really?_"

Suddenly a bright light ate the screen and replaced it with a light green background.

And Backpack.

Yup.

He/she/it was smiling.

With added pedo-ness.

"Backpack, Backpack. Backpack, Backpack," 'Backpack' sang to an annoying tune as random-ass boxes popped out of him/her/it and floated around him/her/it in a circle.

"Ugh, at least it's not as repetitive as Map's song..." Mello sorta-complained.

"Ba." Near agreed.

"SHUT UP NEAR DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING AGREE WITH ME!"

"I'm the backpack loaded with things and nick-knacks too!"

"Mello's backpack isn't loaded with any things or nick-knacks!" Pants called from off-screen, and Dora and Boots clapped.

"Anything you need I've got inside for you!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Mello has nothing inside for you! NOTHING!" CLAP CLAP CLAP...

"Backpack, Backpack, YEAH!"

"..."

"¡Hola! I'm Backpack!"

"I never would have guessed..." Mello muttered.

"I have lots of stuff!"

"MELLO HAS NO STUFF!" Moreeeeeee clappppppppppinggggggggg wwwwwwwww ttttttttttt ffffffffff

Mello contemplated having Matt kick him in the balls.

"But Dora needs cookies to feed las fantasmas vengativos, las violadores violar, and cocodrilo devorador de hombres!" Ugh, half-Spanish again.

"PICK A LANGUAGE AND STICK WITH IT, MOFO!" Mello screamed.

"The cookies are in a rooooooooouuuuuuuuund yellow container with a blue star on it! Do you see a round container that's yellow with a blue star?" Backpack continued, completely ignoring Mello.

"I don't see one in here!" Pants called.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

"It's right there! :D" Matt yelled, pointing.

"Where?"

"RIGHT THERE DUMBASS :D"

The giant-ass blue arrow popped up again to click where Matt was pointing- a yellow circular box with a blue star on it, hidden in a painfully obvious place between a rectangular blue box with a red-orange ball on it and a rectangular orange box with a yellow triangle on it.

_"Click!"_ The arrow said.

"You found the cookies! ¡Excelente!"

"I didn't find any!" Was Pant's reply. By now, no one knew if Pants was actually looking for the cookies or Mello's _cookies._ But Dora and Boots clapped anyways.

"YAY :D"

All the boxes but the circular yellow one with the blue star got sucked back into Backpack, and he/she/it started screaming "Yum yum yum! ¡Delicioso!"

The last box flew upward and Backpack disappeared, leaving the screen on Dora, Boots, Matt, Mello, (does Pants count?), and a still-terrified Near.

"Thanks! Now we have twelve cookies!"

"Can I have one? :3"

"Ooooooooh I hope it's enough!" Boots said, grinning pedo-ly as he and Dora started walking, never taking their eyes off of 'YOU'.

"Wait, you _HOPE _it's enough? ? ? What if it's not? ! What if we get eaten by the crocodile because we didn't have enough fucking cookies? ! ? ! ? !"

"Well _you _don't have enough Fucking Cookies..."

Dora and Boots, once again, clapped.

"...So can I have one? D:"

.

..

...

REJECTAYED.

They had only walked a few steps before Dora stopped.

"Look," she pointed, "fantasmas vengativos!"

"Vengeful ghosts!" Boots translated, despite the fact that he knew no Spanish whatsoever.

":D" Dora.

":D" Boots.

";A;" Near.

"LOL!" Pants.

[Clap Clap]

"..." Mello.

"D:D" Matt.

"WHY ARE YOU SMILING? WE'RE GOING TO BE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING!" Mello yelled.

The eight ghosts formed a cheerleader pyramid, and the one on top- the leader?- opened it's mouth-thing.

"Give us your cookies!" It called in a Quagmire voice.

"Or we won't let you past!" another said.

"REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE!" they all called.

";A;"

"Let's sacrifice Mello!" Pants said, and Dora and Boots clapped yet again. "Oh, wait, never mind, that wouldn't work."

"..."

"..."

"Let's count the vengeful ghosts to see how many cookies we need!"

"Oh, because they'll totally be satisfied with just one cookie each."

"SHUDAP MELLO! :D"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE THIS IS A KIDS SHOW AND EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT :D"

"... Is your face stuck that way?"

"MAYBE :D"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"HELP MEEEE-HEEEEE :D"

"Count with me!" Dora began.

"Why should we?" Mello growled.

"One, Two, Three, Four, Fi-"

"SIXSEVENEIGHT YEAH WE KNOW! FUCKING COUNT FASTER, ASSHOLES!"

Matt looked offended, as he had been counting along with Dora and Boots.

"...Sorry Matt."

":D"

"Eight vengeful ghosts! Now we need to feed the ghosts the COOKIES!" Dora picked up a cookie and went into a near-perfect frisbee-throwing stance. "Count with me!"

"Again? We know that there's eight ghosts! Why must we count? !"

"Ba." Near agreed.

"NO! NEAR! STFU! IF YOUR OPINION MATCHES MINE, DON'T 'SPEAK' OR I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU!"

"Ba ;A;"

Dora and Boots counted as they tossed the cookies into the mouths of the ghosts, their aim somehow perfect despite that whenever they threw a cookie they looked at 'YOU'. "One, Two, Three, Four, Fi-"

Mello grabbed the box away from Dora violently, taking three cookies and tossing them toward the ghosts. "Can we _please _get this over with? !"

"Oh, you'd just LOVE to get this over with, but so you could do what? NOTHING! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING!" Pants called out, and Dora and Boots clapped, leaving Mello to seethe.

"GOOD COUNTING!" Dora screamed, looking back at 'YOU' once again.

"REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE!"

"AAAAAAAH SHIT IT DIDN'T WORK!" Mello yelled.

"Chillax, Mels. This is a kid's show, remember? They're just... I dunno... eating. o_o"

"Yeah _Mels, _cool your tits. BUT WAIT! You don't have those either!"

CLAP.

"..."

"Alright, you can go." The Quagmire ghost said, and the ghosts all disappeared.

"..._Really? _Easy as that? What the fuck? !"

"Did you never watch Dora as a kid? !"

"No."

"..."

"..."

"You fail."

"Dude, _you _fail, and so does 'YOU'," he said, suddenly stopping and pointing to the screen.

Dora and Boots walked about five steps before turning to 'YOU'. "How many cookies do we have left?"

"You've got the box! How the fuck are we supposed to know? !"

"We had twelve cookies, we gave away eight, so now we have..."

"FOUR :D"

"That's right! Four, Four cookies!"

"FOUR? ! HOW IS THAT GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR A BUNCH OF RAPISTS AND A CROCODILE? ! RAPISTS LOVE COOKIES!"

"..."

"..."

"And you would know that, _why?_"

"..."

"...Never mind."

"Oooooooooh, I _hope _it's enough!"

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HOPING? WE NEED TO _KNOW!_"

Dora and Boots continued walking, and Mello and Matt had no choice but to follow (Pants and Near don't count because they're both hitching rides).

"You know... Mels... Why don't we just leave them and try to find the mall by ourselves?"

"Do _you_ know where the mall is?"

"...No... But Map does! :D"

"And _who_ does Map constantly rape?"

"...Backpack..."

"And _who_ does Backpack constantly stalk?"

"...Dora..."

"And _who_ is Dora always with?"

"...Boots..."

"And_** who**_ are we trying to get _away_ from?"

"...Dora and Boots..."

"Exactly. Shut up."

"D:"

Two seconds later they came across three rapists.

"Look," Dora pointed, "violadores violar!"

"Raping rapists!" Boots translated, yet again, though he didn't speak any Spanish.

"Give usssssss your cookiesssssss!" one of the rapists hissed in an exorcist- yet still gay sounding- voice.

"Our we won't let you passsssssss!" said another in a girly exorcist voice.

"CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" they all hissed.

"Let's give them their cookies!" Boots yelled, grinning still.

"..."

"Let's give them Mello's cookies! But wait, we can't do that, 'cause he doesn't have any!"

OH EHM GEE, LIKE, DORA AND BOOTS ARE, LIKE, CLAPPING!

"We need to count how many rapists there are! Count with me! O-"

"ONETWOTHREE!"

"Mello, lighten up. :D"

"JUST GIVE THEM THE DAMN COOKIES BEFORE WE GET RAPE'D!"

"Now let's feed the rapists!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"LOL :D Are we in a petting zoo, Dora? :D"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What? It's funny."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"IT SOUNDS LIKE A PERVERTED JOKE OKAY? !"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fuck you."

"Count with me!" Dora screamed as she threw cookies at the rapists. "One, Two, Three!"

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" they all ate their cookies.

"CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNN ARE NICCCCCCCCCCE TO RAAAAAAAAAA-alright, you can go by," Said the leader rapist, and he crept into the bushes, followed by the other two rapists.

"How many cookies do we have left?"

"ONE :D"

"We had four cookies, and we gave away three. And _now_ we have..."

"ONE DUMBASS :D"

"Let's count them!"

"ONE MOTHERFUCKER :D"

"And now we have... One cookie left!"

"Fuck you guys :D"

Dora started walking, but Boots stayed behind.

"One cookie left..." he looked worried as he talked to 'YOU', "How many crocodiles are there?"

"Oh so NOWWWWWWWW YOU'RE WORRIED! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED MORE! BUT NOOOOOOOO NO ONE BELIEVED ME!"

"That's right, Mello, you had some real balls for telling us that. But wait! You don't have any balls!"

OHMYGOD THEY'RE CLAPPING AGAIN.

"..."

Mello seethed.

"...Great!" Boots suddenly looked happy as hell, and Near was wondering if he was secretly one of the rapists.

Boots caught up to Dora and they walked a few more paces until they came foot-to-face with a crocodile.

"I won't let you pass unless *sniff* you give me a cooookie!" it said in a squeaky gay voice*.

* * *

><p><strong>* <strong>Watch "Cloudpaw Likes a Cookie" on Youtube by BloodstainBlade.<strong>**

* * *

><p>"YOU CAN HAVE NO COOKIES!" Mello yelled.<p>

"BUT I LIEK A COOOOKIEEE ;A;" the crocodile immaturely yelled.

"We brought a cookie for you, cocodrilo!"

"Oooooooooooof course you did..."

"DON'T EAT US, COCODRILO! D:"

Dora tossed the crocodile a cookie.

Matt was suddenly worried that the crocodile would want more cookies, and a scene played out in his mind...

**_"Give me more cookies, BITCH!"_**

**_"..."_**

**_"GIVE ME MOAR COOKIES BEYETCH OR I'LL TAKE MATTY'S 'CAUSE MELLO HAS NONE!"_**

Matt crossed his legs and sobbed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! D:"

Mello gave Matt a strange look.

"Um... did you want that cookie?"

"Don't worry Matt, we'll get more cookies when we get to my Abuela's house!"

"But... b-b-but... He said he wanted to eat my cookies, 'cause Mello has none!"

Mello falcon PAUNCHED Matt, Near fell off Mello's head with a 'BAAA!', and Matt flew about 552347996542345678 miles into the air. "Well you can have your cookies... on the MOOOOOOOOOOONAHHHHHHHH BEYETCHHHHH 'cause gravity sucks here."

"OW THAT HURT MELLO! DX" Matt said as he landed in a tree. "I HAVE A PINECONE IN MY ASS NOW!"

"Alright, you can go by." The crocodile lumbered off the path.

"... ... ..."

Matt flipped off the crocodile, then pointed to his junk. "THIS IS ALL MINE, BITCH!"

"...Only you, Matt."

"...ba..."

A random camera, who said it's name was Click (TAKE A PIC ;D), magically transported Matt back to where the others were.

"...Cool...I like that camera..."

They all took about two steps forward and then were magically out of the forest.

"What... the fuck." Mello said as trumpets started blaring and a purple snail, orange cricket, and blue frog flew across the screen.

"We made it through the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest!"

"Where do we go next, Dora?"

"Bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing! C8"

The boxes again magically appeared on the screen as Dora grinned pedo-ly at 'YOU'.

"Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, Abuela's house! We made it through the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, so next cums theeeeeee..."

"Bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing! :D"

The blue arrow clicked on the second box.

"The bridge, right! The bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehou-"

"SHUT UP! The dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest is now DCEMHPFRF! And the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing is now BADSRAOTT!"

"BADSRAOTT!" Matt roared as he pointed upward in a dramatic fashion.

"... Maybe bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing would be better..."

"BADSRAOTT! :D Sounds like Lord of the Rings, or something."

"..."

"..."

"...Nerd."

"D:"

Dora and Boots walked sideways down the path, always keeping a pedo-eye on 'YOU'.

Mello, walking normal with Near on his head, was actually contemplating slapping Matt so he would stop walking like a crab, like Dora and Boots were.

Suddenly, Dora and Boots stopped, causing Mello to bump into- and trip over- Boots, which in turn caused Near to tumble off his head and land in the pedo-monkey's arms. Matt crashed into the traffic-jam **[ Beyond Birthday: Jam? Where? 8) ] **shortly thereafter.

"Mello! Watch out! You almost hurt your sheep!" Boots scolded.

"Yes, because he's totally _Mello's _sheep. Mello could never be seme, ever! He couldn't be uke either! He'd just have to sit there, alone, for all his life!"

OHMYGOD THEY'RE CLAPPING AGAIN!

"... Baa ba ba ba."

"Awww, I love you too, sheep!" the monkey failed at translation.

"Boots, you fail," Matt said what Mello was thinking. "He said 'Let go of me'."

"Oh," Boots laughed, letting go of Near who fell to the ground magically not getting scathed.

"Baaa baa."

"Near! What the fuck? How can you tell me to watch MY goddamn fucking language and then say shit like that! ?"

"...Ba baa baaaaa baa."

"...Yeah, so what if it was called for? !"

"Ba."

"...Fuck you, Near."

"Ohhh, you'd just looooove to fuck him, wouldn't you? But you can't!"

OHMYGODDDD MORE CLAPPING!

"Do YOU see BADSRAOTT?" Dora suddenly added.

"Naw, I see a volcano!" Mello said and rolled his eyes.

"You will never see a 'volcano'! Never!"

Claaaaaaaaaaaaaap.

The giant-ass blue arrow once again zoomed to the rescue to show Dora-the-Dumbass where 'BADSRAOTT' was.

"That's right! There's BADSRAOTT!"

_Wait... _Matt thought to himself, _If that's a computer cursor... Is this a video game?_

Suddenly he grinned.

"TAKE _THAT, _PEDO-MONKEH!" Matt roared as he slashed Boots in half with a giant-ass sword he had pulled out of seemingly nowhere. Removing Boot's boots, he proudly bestowed them upon his own feet.

**"3957634654543 BONUS POINTS!" **a loud, booming movie-voice bellowed.

"LEVELUP!" said a much smaller, much stupider voice.

Boot's body faded away after a few seconds, then reappeared in a pink cloud of sparkly gayness.

"...Reincarnation spell...Damn..."

Boots seemed oblivious to the fact that he had even been attacked.

"I love you Dora, I love you Map, I love you Backpack, I love you Pants, I love you Sheep, I love you Mello, I love you Matt, and most of all, I love my boo- ...Hey, where's my boots?"

"DEY AER MIEN NAO! BWAHAHAHA!"

"...M-Matt... you okay?"

"B- baaaa ba baaa ba..."

"Yeah... I think he's lost it too..."

"AT LEAST HE HAD SOMETHING TO LOSE!"

Fucking CLAP!

"..."

"HEI BOOTZ~ AIYE GOTT CHUR BOOTZ~ HEI BOOTZ~ AIYE GOTT CHU-"

Matt stopped when he looked down to see Boots practically raping his feet in an attempts to get his boots away from him.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Matt shrieked.

Yes, Matt _shrieked._

...And it was extremely justified.

Extremely.

...

Anywho...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! ? ! ? ! ? STOP DRY-HUMPING MY LEG! ! ! O_O""" D:="

"My boots..." Boots sobbed.

"UGH FINE YOU CAN HAVE THEM JUST GET THE FUCK OFF ME! ! ! ! !"

Matt proceeded to rip off Boot's boots and throw them down the path to BADSRAOTT.

* * *

><p><strong>(~meanwhile, back in Wammy's~)<strong>

"L, I think you need to see this," Roger reported through the phone. "I doubt you'd believe it, even if you did see this, but..."

"But _what,_ Roger?"

"... Just... Just put your TV on the Noggin channel."

Over there at a hotel in Great Britain, where L was currently residing at the moment, Watari had already heard Roger's request and had jumped on it, expecting something along the lines of a criminal that had taken the station hostage or something.

What they saw was definitely not expected.

"..."

"..."

"I told you that you wouldn't like it," Roger said to the silence over the phone.

* * *

><p>"Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, ABUELA'S HOUSE!" Dora and Boots were singing.<p>

"I said DCEMHPFRF! AND BADSRAOTT!" Mello protested indignantly.

"Dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, ABUELA'S HOUSE!"

"Didn't we already pass that tree...?" Matt asked, slowing some and pointing at a tree what they had, in fact, passed twice already.

Boots did a cartwheel downhill and Dora kept running, obviously too fat to do anything. Then she just stood there while the music was playing, and Boots HAPPENED to land on her arm.

"Come on, vámonos," they said together, magically reappearing on the path. "Everybody let's go!"

"Come on, let's get to it," Boots said, walking backwards.

"I know that we can do it!" Dora whined in her unneccesarily retarded voice while Matt and Mello, with Near on his head, trudged along behind them.

"Where are we going?" Dora asked.

"You just said..."

"Abuela's house! Where are we going?" Boots answered.

"Abuela's house! :D" Matt. "Where are we going?"

"Abuela's house," the same purple snail, orange cricket, and blue frog from before answered, surprising a certain hotheaded blonde that just wanted to get this over.

"Gaahh!"

Dora ignored him. "Where are w-"

"ABUELA'S HOUSE, DAMMIT!" Mello snapped.

Ignoring him, Boots and Dora grabbed eachother's hands and spun in a circle, laughing. "Abuela's House!" they finally shouted and threw their hands up in the air.

Suddenly, everything started fading into a new frame. Matt thought he had lost a life, but, no, they were just 'magically' transporting to a new place in the path.

...

It's cartoon logic, I don't get it either.

"Dora," Boots asked, "what happens if Diego's not there?"

"Then we'll have to break into his house!" she replied happily, as if she did that all the time.

"HFKJSGHLDFUKGTHYRTGGT WHAT? ?" Mello stopped walking and stared at the two. "We're going to just _break_ into his house? Just like that? That's breaking and entering, we could get in some serious trouble there, what are you trying to teach those kids watching at home, huh?"

"Well, you should have nothing to worry about. You don't have anything to steal if they break into _your_ house," Pants said. WHEN I SAY OMG, YOU SAY CLAP! OMG! OMG!

"YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO SHUT THE FU-"

"Dude... chill," Matt said, patting Mello on the shoulder. Suddenly he looked up. "Where'd you dump Near?"

"Huh? I thought he was-"

"Baby Jaguar, look! A Baby Sheep!"

"Ba baa ba baaa baaaa!"

"Oh, dear god..."

"M'row m'roww, m'row m'roww!"

"Baby _Jaguar!"_ Boots yelled happily, running forward and hugging the cat-jaguar-leopard-thing.

"Hi, Dora," Diego called. "Hi Boots."

Dora and Boots waved.

"... who're the new guys?" he asked picking Near up and cradling him like a baby.

"BAAA!"

"I'm Matt! :D"

"..."

"Baaa."

"That's Matt," Dora said, and the giant blue arrow came up and clicked on him, causing him to glow.

**"LEVEL UP!"**

"That's Mello," the same happened, but no booming voice. Must be a Matt thing.

"Haha, you don't have anything to level up."

"..."

"And that's Near!" The poor sheep scrambled from Diego's arms and leaped into Matt's, who slapped the rejected arrow away.

Mello, with the tee-dot-tee face, trudged forward and attempted to walk across the bridge. He was immediately thwarted by a pack of ferocious man-eating wolves.

... okay, maybe not man-eating.

... alright, they weren't ferocious... they were foaming at the mouth though.

... well, maybe that was just drool... but they were still a pack of wolves.

... puppies. He was attacked by some puppies.

"Arrr'uff! Arrr'uff!" they all said in unison, licking Mello all over.

"G'ahh! Get off me! Stay away! Bad dog, BAD DOG!" Surprisingly enough, that was Pants, not Mello.

"Hi, wolf pups!" Diego called, and they all abandoned Mello (who had decided if he stayed still enough, they couldn't see him, though Pants's squirming did _not_ help) and crowded around Diego, Dora, Matt, Boots, Baby Jaguar and Near. Diego expertly caught one, while another tackled Dora (Mello felt a twinge of 'I feel sorry for her', but it was gone really really fast) and the other two proceeded to snuffle at Matt and try to get Near down from his arms.

"No," he said, crooning the puppies, "while you guys are adorable, I can't let you use my sheep as a chew toy."

"_Baaa_ baaa?" Near asked, raising a non-existent eyebrow.

"Yes, _my_ sheep. Do you want me to throw you to the dogs? Or worse, sell you to Diego?"

"OMFG YES, SELL HIM TO DIEGO," Mello cut in.

"... but then how would we explain that to R-"

"HE DIED. HE DIED IN THE RAPE FOREST, JUST SELL HIM."

"... Ba."

"YOU DON'T HAVE A SAY IN THIS, MISTER!"

"... Mello, I'm not selling Near."

"Damn."

"Well, that _is _a nice sheep you have there!"

"YOUWANTIT?" Mello jumped at the second opportunity to sell Near to Diego.

"No, that'd be bestiality :)"

"..."

"Hi, Diego!" a female voice said, "hi, Dora, Boots!" a girl with brown hair that certainly looked more natural than Dora's bowl cut said, walking next to a larger wolf. No, of course this wolf was perfectly domesticated.

"Mommy, Mommy!" the four wolf pups screeched, running toward the poor mother. "Mommy! Arr'uff! Mommy!"

"Mommy Wolf came to the Rescue Center," Diego explained, "to have her wolf pups. How's Mommy Wolf doing?" he asked, scratching 'Mommy Wolf' behind the head.

"She's doing great!" the girl replied. Matt eyeballed her, wondering if she was dating Diego. If he was going to be stuck here possibly forever, might as well enjoy it...

"Mommy Wolf," he addressed her directly, as if this had been her name all her life, even before she was knocked up. "This is my cousin Dora!"

"Hi," the wolf replied in a nasally annoying voice, stepping toward Dora as if she were hungry. This was a definite possibility. "Nice to meet you!"

"Your little wolf puppies are so _adorable!_ AND there are so many of them!" she said.

"This type of wolf can have up to five puppies at a time!" the girl said, holding her hand up to symbolize the number five. Matt envied her pinkie, which he did not have.

"Let's count how many puppies there are!" Dora commanded. "Count with me! O-"

"ONETWOTHREEFOUR." Mello was getting irritated fast. This whole treehouse thing reminded him of some kind of rape house, where you're forced to just shut up and not run away. It was scaryyy. o_o

"Good!" Dora appraised.

Suddenly, a clearly American girl dressed in a cliche Native American costume popped up out of nowhere.

"She USED to have four, but then COLUMBUS ATE MAH PUPPEH! ! !"

'Mommy Wolf' yelped. "What? !"

The weird random girl poofed offscreen.

"Can we just get OUT of here?" Mello complained. Dora looked at Boots, who smiled pedo-ly. Diego, hearing some inside joke, we assume, grinned too.

"C'mon! Let's all move like the animals do!" Dora suddenly sang out, jumping and out of nowhere vines appeared in the trees for them to climb on.

Mello arched an eyebrow, the lyrics of a certain song popping into his head...

_You and me, baby, __We ain't nothin' but mammals,_

_So let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel!_

"WE ARE NOT DOING THAT!" He exclaimed suddenly.

"What's wrong, Mello, got nothing to do it with?" Pants put in, and Dora, Boots, and- Surprise!- Diego clapped.

"The monkeys swing, and we can, too!" Diego sang, joining Dora.

"Err..." Even Pants was speechless.

Boots, finding his place at home in the vines, jumped up and so did Matt, who, quite frankly, was enjoying this way more than he should.

"Can you swing your arms like a monkey?" Dora asked. "Swing your arms!"

"Swing, swing, swing!" they all said in unison, while Mello mumbled about how they were 'stealing from Austin Powers'.

The vines suddenly broke and they where running again. "Let's all move like the animals do!" Diego said.

":D"

"Birds flap their wings, and we can too!"

"Can you flap your arms like a bird?" Boots asked. "Flap your arms!"

"Flap, Flap, Flap!"

"Mello can't fa- wait..." Dora and Boots and Diego all clapped. They actually attempted to all jump over the river, instead of taking the bridge across, and Mello was 'tee-dot-tee'-ing when they landed on the other side and he just crossed the bridge with Near walking behind him.

"Wait... that's it? We're done?" Matt asked as Diego just abandoned them.

"... I guess... so..." Mello said.

"Diego and Alicia just subtly kicked us out of their treehouse!" she said in a cheery voice. Fancy that. "C'mon, let's go!" Dora said, motioning them forward and walking again.

"Where do we go next?" Boots asked after 'oo-oo-squeak-squeak'-ing.

Three boxes popped up. One had the framiliar dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest (greyed out), the next had the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing (which they had just gotten kicked out of, also greyed out), and finally, a pleasant looking yellow house.

"We made it past DCEMHPFRF, over the BADSRAOTT, and next comes..."

"ABUELA'S HOUSE! :D"

"Abuela's house, right, Matt! Come on!" Dora began running gaily down a path, Boots hand in hand with her, who proceeded to grab Near's... erm, wool, and Mello and Matt were right behind them.

"Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh BOY!" Boots exclaimed excitedly.

"We should be able to see my Abuela's house from here."

"I don't see i-" suddenly a cloud ran from the screen (no, it like... RAN as if it had Satan on it's heels) and Mello felt undignified. "Hey, no fair! That cloud's not supposed to trick- WHOA!" he ducked, for the giant blue arrow flew over his head.

"That's right!" Dora shouted, "Abuela's house! C'mon, vo-"

"NO."

"Everybody le-"

"NO."

"Come on let's get"

"NO."

"I kn-"

"N. O."

"... where are we-"

"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, NO."

"..."

". . ."

"..."

"Let's go get some CHOCOLATE!" Matt yelled, diffusing the situation, and Near 'ba'-ed happily, glad for the diversion.

Dora and boots began walking down the hill, stopping in front of a yellow house with eggplant purple windows. Mello almost barfed.

"Look! A chocolate tree, a chocolate tree!" they ran up to the tree, which began tickling Dora pedo-ly and laughing.

"So, chocolate tree..." Boots started, but Mello beat him to the punch.

"Could you- _please-_ maybe- _pleaseeee-_ give us some chocolate?" he was gritting his teeth, but the stress and craving for chocolate (which, somehow, all HIS chocolate had disappeared from his pants... he blamed Pants for eating them) was forcing him to be polite.

"Sure, any time you want," the tree said, shaking and dropping about seven of the cocoa beans. Mello pounced, 'homnomnomming' on one of them, before he stood up spitting.

"WTF kind of chocolate is this? It's terrible!"

Suddenly, Abuela came out of the house. "Dora, Boots, you're here! Do you want to make a batch of the most delicious chocolate _evarrr_?" The way she said "EVARRR" was like she was on drugs or something.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Boots backflipped several times, as enthusiastic as Mello was trying not to be.

Abuela pulled six bowls out of nowhere, handing one to each of them. Matt made a point of getting the red one.

"Really Matt? Really?"

"... but I like red D:"

Abuela ignored them, walking over to the tree. "Looks like there was just enough, because there _was_ seven. Now there's only six..." she looked at the chocolate smears on Mello's face, saw a bitten into cocoa bean on the ground, and put two and two together.

Or, in druggie-gramma's mind, 94578 and 905823048.

...

Yeah, I dunno either.

"Oh, silly Mello!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NA-"

"You can't eat a _raw_ cocoa bean! It's not sweetened!"

"WELL NO DU-... oh..."

Matt chuckled. "You got told off by a cartoon granny," he pointed. Mello gave him a death glare, which was still pretty intimidating despite the fact that this was DORA, here.

"Will 'YOU' help us make a batch of chocolate?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Haha, Mello's finally getting a batch!" Clap~

"Stop." Endclap. o.o

"Great! Now, put your hands together, to hold your big spoon, and hold your arm out like you're holding a bowl!"

"Good job! Now... MIXTHECHOCOLATE." Abuela said, an almost rapist look came in her eye as she began whipping her chocolate in hyper drive. "Mix, mix mix, chocolate~" Then she remembered she was supposed to sing. "Sing with me as we mix the CHOCOLATE~~~" ... Okay, both Mello, Matt, AND Near _swore_ she was smoking something.

"BATE BATE CHOCOLATE! **(haha, you remember this? SAME, MOFO! FOR THIS ENTIRE SONG!)**" they all began singing. Mello refused to sing. "BATE BATE CHOCOLATE! MIX YOUR CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, BATE BATE CHOCOLATE!" Mello's bean was still powdery, while Matt's was creamy and even Near's was making more progress than Mello.

"... it's because you're not singing, Mello." Pants informed him. Dora and Boots were too immersed in their singing to clap, THANKGOD.

"I... I'm not singing."

"YOU WON'T GET CHOCOLATE THEN, MOFO!"

"... Bate, Bate, chocolate..."

It went on like that until they all yelled 'CHOCOLATE! ! ! !" in unison.

"WEHAVETOSINGFASTERIFWE'REGOINGTOMAKECHOCOLATE!" the tree interjected. Ohdeargod...

"! ! !"

"FASTERRRRRRR"

"No."

"..."

"Iz ready..." Grandma from crack-smoking Hell said ominously.

Mello began watering at the mouth, and then shoved the spoon into said mouth. Near ate out of the bowl and Matt used his pinkie finger to savor it.

"MMMMM, this is the best chocolate I EVER had!" Dora said. It wasn't bad; Cadbury's was better, but meh.

"Aiye told you~"

... Mello made a mental note to be terrified of all women over 60.

BUH DUH DUH DUHHHHHH RANDOM MUSIC WTFF~

"We did it!"

"We did it!"

"We did it!"

"YAYY"

"Lo hicimos,"

"We did it!"

"... oh dear god..."

"We went through the dark creepy evil menacing haunted pedophile filled rape forest, we did it, we did it, we did it, hooray!"

"We crossed the bridge at Diego's social recluse animal obsessed treehouse thing, yeah we did it!"

"We did it!"

"We did It!" (It is good, lolol.)

"We did it!"

"We gave cookies to the ghosts, and they went away!"

"We acted like animals with Diego, and crossed the bridge! HOORAY!"

"Yay!"

"Woo!"

"Hooray!"

"WE DID IT!"

Matt, who was still dancing, didn't notice the music had stopped. "We fed the Quagmire ghost some cookies, we did it~ We got past the pedo-rapists by feeding them...some cookies.. woohoo~ We-"

"MATT!"

"... sorry..."

The giant blue arrow came up again.

"CLICK!" It clicked on Dora and...

"WTF WE'RE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED! I CAN SEE MY FACEPRINT IN THE DIRT!"

"We had such a fun time going to my Abuela's house!"

"... fun?"

"What was your favorite part of the trip?"

"... we almost get possessed, raped, eaten, and turned into a pedo-animal-obsessor, and you call that FUN?"

"I liked that too!" Dora-the-dumbass said.

"_My_ favorite part was seeing the cute puppies with Diego!" Boots said.

"MINE was making chocolate with Mi Abuela! We couldn't have found her house without you! Thanks for helping!"

"WAIT!" Matt said, running forward and placing his hands on her shoulders. "Can You Take Us To The Mall?" he said slowly, as if speaking to a mentally retarded person.

"Sure! But we need to say Map. Can you-"

"FUCK THIS. I'M GOING," Mello said, approaching Abuela. "Uh, nameless-granny, can you drive us to the mall? Please?... I just wanna LEAVE this hellhole."

"Sure, Mello! Just go through those trees, you'll see the town and the Mall is right in the middle."

"..."

"..."

". . ."

"... Ba baa BAAA BAAAA? !"

"... I know, Near. I know," Matt sympathized. "Let's just go now."

* * *

><p><strong>~FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, AT THE MALL~<strong>

"That's the TV we're looking for," Matt said, pointing.

"... How do you know?"

"... it's glowing..."

"Right. Now how do we get up there...?"

The TV in question was like.. HUGE, but it was mounted on the wall. Near looked around, then hobbled off, his ears flopping.

"Where's he going?"

"I don't know, but I pray to God he doesn't come back."

"..."

Meanwhile, Near, who had wandered into the toy isle, had found a giant cannon. _This will work,_ he assumed in his little sheepy mind.

As he was pushing it toward Matt and Mello, everybody stopped and stared at the sheep pushing a cannon into the lobby. Matt and Mello were still arguing over who was going to go search for shopping carts to pile up.

"Ba baa baa baaa," Near ba'd, still pushing the super huge cannon, out of breath.

"NEAR, YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Matt cried, running forward, taking the cannon off Near's... uh, hooves... and leaving him crumpled to the floor panting.

"Hmm... we need a test subject..." Mello mused. He looked sharply to Near, grinning evilly.

"BAAA!" Near got up and ran around to Matt, hiding behind him.

"Hey," Matt said uselessly.

"Come here, sheep..."

"Heyy..."

"BAAAA~"

"HEY! ! ! !" They stopped cold and stared at Matt. "Shut the fuck up and just get into the cannon. It's set perfectly, there's no way we're going to miss that TV. It's huge. There's room for all of us in the cannon, so just _**get in.**_" There was so much venom in his voice, they just wordlessly slipped into the cannon. Matt followed, pulling a stolen lighter off a shelf and lighting the fuse.

"10... 9... 8... 7..." Matt ducked into the cannon, preparing for the blast. "4... 3... 2...!"

The last thing either one of them remember was plunging head first into a glowing flatscreen TV and the Cartoon Network "CN" logo, and Mello remembered thinking 'ohdeargod, not another cartoon...'

* * *

><p><strong>(Somewhere between the states of Oklahoma and Kentucky...)<strong>

Two teenage girls were sitting at a computer in a dark room, laughing and chuckling evily.

"Bwahahaha!"

"Muahahaha!"

"BWAHAHAHA!"

"MUAH-HAHAHA!"

"Hahahahahaha..."

"Haha..."

"Ah... Where should we send them next?"

"..."

"..."

"Flapjack," the two said in unison, followed by more laughters of the evilness.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN:_**

****Abyss****ehness****:** XD Poor Mello.. And Matt... And Near... Eh, no, Near probably deserved it.**

**Near: BA- I mean, why?**

**Tawnehness: *ignores Near* ...This is longer than most of the chapters I have for my other fics... Actually, it's longer than all of them o3o ...By a lot.**

****Abyss****ehness****:** ._.**

**Tawnehness: ._.**

****Abyss****ehness****:** ._.**

**Near: Why did I deserve this?**

**Tawnehness: ._.**

**Abyss****ehness****: ._.**

**Tawny: ._.**

**Near: ...**

**Abyss**ehness**: ._.**

**Falcon: :D FUCK YEAH- can YOU jump like the square, triangle? CAN YOU?**

**Tawnehness: ... WHOA FALCON'S SUDDENLY HERE :D**

**Abyssehness: ... x.x' YOU... YOU STABBED ME!**

**Falcon: LOL!**

**Abyssehness: There are holes... in my arms... in my legs... in my hands...**

**Falcon: LOL!**

**...**

**You cut me with a wooden ruler.**

**Abyssehness: That takes talent ^~^**

**Falcon: ...**

**Abyssehness: ...**

**Tawnehness: ...**

**Falcon: ... **

**Near: WHY DID I DESERVE SUCH TORTURE?**

**Abyssehness: ...**

**Tawnehness: ...**

**Falcon: ...**

**Near: ...**

**Moony: ...**

**Viva: . . .**

**Tawnehness: WHOA MOAR RANDOM APPEARANCES :DDD **


	3. SECOND TERROR: Flapjack

_**A/N:**_

_**Tawny: **Neif neif neif_

_ELEVEN PAGES_

_Neif Neif Neif_

_I DID EVERY. BITTTTT. _

_Abyssehness:** DX **_

* * *

><p><strong>MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures into TV-Land! :DDD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>SECOND TERROR: MNM's Totally Cannon Dangerous and Magical Adventures into The Marvelous Misadventures of Flajack! :D<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>Psst, Flapjack..." <em>Mello felt a jab in his side.

He groaned. He was sleeping. "Go away..."

"Hey, Flapja-" the voice was cut off by a bright light invading Mello's bedroom.

"WHAT THA FUCK? !" Mello yelled, sitting straight up in his bed, to realize that this wasn't a bed, this was a whale's mouth, and he was in the middle of the ocean.

He looked around.

Oh, no...

Oh, no no no...

They were in a TV show that Mello often got distracted by back at Wammy's. Quite frankly, the show annoyed the hell out of him. But when you're supposed to be doing chores, and you walk down stairs to find the TV has a whale on it, you're gonna fucking stop and watch.

He looked back at the blue... thing.

"Come with me, and we can see, a place called Candied Island!" he said, his eyes replaced with ridiculous stopmotion Sonic mints.

".. No tha-"

"Who needs Candied Island?" the whale sang, causing their 'room' to become dark and then light repeatedly, giving the effect of a strobe light.

"AGREE."

"It's safer at the docks!"

"Docks?"

"But there ain't no streams of sodey pop, go tricklin down the rocks!" the blue thing- what was his name, dammit? ! -said.

"It's dangerous and risky!" the whale said, ushering them all toward disasters, such as giant squids, and octopus, and... squids... and octopus.

…

"Then let's not go? !"

"But adventurous, and free!"

Mello didn't know what compelled him. His face derped up and he stood on his tippee toes, singing in a retarded voice: "ADVENTURE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!" following which, he quickly slapped his hand over his mouth.

… WTF.

"THERE'S LOLLIPOP TREES," the blue thing agreed with unwilling Mello, "AND A LEMONADE SEA!"

…

….

…..

"Doesn't sound very good to me," the whale said.

… the whale's voice sounded familiar.

…

It wasn't female... but...

"THE MISADVENTURES OF-"

"FLAPJAAACK~" Mello involuntarily pushed six random ass people away and sang, thus ending the title sequence.

… and then his face was smashed with a wooden sign that said "Dear Diary".

… OHDEARGOD.

.. For some reason, Mello had to wake up.

Again.

… "WHY THE FUCK AM I IN THE SAME BED... err, TONGUE, AS THAT MAN? !" He looked up at where the sky would be if the whitish colored top of the whale's mouth wasn't there. "WHAT KIND OF TWISTED GOD HAS BANISHED ME TO THIS PLACE?"

… Yet the captain and the whale continued to sleep.

…

_My spidey senses are tingling,_ Mello couldn't stop himself from grinning as he crawled away.

…

What? HE WAS A CHILD ONCE, TOO, YOU KNOW.

Something told him to look between THAT tooth, and THAT one. So he did. And pulling out from between there, was a hand lantern, and

"FLAPJACK'S SECRET DIARYYYYYY" loud singers announced. Mello merely twitched and thought 'I don't care if Flapjack's reputation is ruined. But could they sing this any louder?'

The Cookie Monster (Mello really had no idea what the hell this thing was.) rolled over in his sleep, mumbling, "... loveyoucaptaink'nuckles..."

"... Alrighty then."

Mello lay down on the ground - … err, this is actually kinda gross if you think about it – and put the pencil to his chin, thinking.

_If I were named after a pastry, what would I write...!_

Dear diary,

.

.

Secret _seeeecret_ -

"Hey!" Mello flinched. "What are you doing over there?"

Mello put on his der- I mean, Pokerface. "Nothin'..."

"Are you writin' a..." Mello arched his brow, as if to challenge him. Upon the silence following, Mello realized that there was a flower that had somehow gotten scribbled between his lines. Must've been there before. "... _DIARY? !"_

"_Noooooo,_" Mello felt absolutley girly. But he felt the need to defend himself. Even though this was NOT HIMSELF.

The cookie monster ducked in close to Mello. Too close for comfort.

"Heheh, I'll bet it's secret stuff about me, huh?"

Mello shoved him away by the face.  
>"GTFA! STAY OUT OF MAH BUSINESS, MOFO, AND STFD."<p>

Meanwhile, Matt sat back against the row of teeth and felt utterly betrayed.

Mello never kept anything from him.

Ever.

… he began to think what could be in that book, that book that Mello seemed entertained to be writing i-

OHDEARGOD. DON'T TELL ME THAT MELLO IS A YAOI FAN. NO. NO NO NO. NO.

He had a vision, a split second one, but a vision nonetheless, of Mello reading aloud to a bunch of raving Yaoi fangirls as he perched on a pedestal. Matt blinked it away, but...

…

The noises of those scary girls...

Hey. They were fangirling over him, right? Fangirling over the gay him that didn't exist, but they were idolizing him regardless. At least he wasn't an Arab. You get enough hell being Australian. Arab's rape goats, and shee-

...

"I HAVE ENVISIONED THINGS THAT CAN NEVER BE UNSEEN," he said out loud, waking the now sleeping Mello.

… For the sake of the kids, Matt. For the sake of the kids.

"Hey, Me-Flap?" he asked, nudging him. "W-where'd you put your diary?" Because Matt adored this show, he knew exactly EVERYTHINGGG about it. He KNEW where this diary was. But this was a re-run. And for the kids like him who loved the show, he had to keep canon.

Mello rolled over.

"... no." Que snore.

Matt took a breath, this time putting his hand annoyingly on Mello's face with a 'splap'. He just kept repeatedly clapping Mello's face until he woke up again.

"Come on, Flap, just tell me where it issss."

Mello chuckled. "Secret."

Ohgodwhai. Why couldn't Mello make this simple? Why did Matt have to resort to following canon?

"... you tell me boy," he said halfheartedly. "You tell me, boy, or I'll have to tickle you," he said, moving his gangly fingers along Mello's face.

…

WTF.

…

MELLO.

…

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

…

WHY AREN'T YOU KILLING ME FOR TOUCHING YOU?

And Yet Mello laughed. He squirmed, and he laughed, and Matt had to step forward again to get to him. His laughter was similar to a baby's-

"Matthew," Near's monotone voice echoed through the cavern, "you leave my baby alone and let him get some sleep."

…

"O.O"

".. MATT? WTF?"

"... BUT I-"

"I said you let my baby sleep, Matthew. That's your SECOND warning."

"... NEAR YOU BETTER FUCKING STOP CALLING ME YOUR FUCKING BABY OR I WILL USE YOUR UVULA FOR A PUNCHING BAG."

"Mello-kun, baby," Near gave the impression that this was reflex, like he called everyone that, "don't you worry. You just go to sleep now."

"... sorry, Matt," he whispered.

…

Suddenly, Mello grabbed Matt by the collar of his shirt. "YOU HAVE TO TRADE ME PANTS."

"... why?"

Mello looked down at his pants.

"They... Th-they're tainted... I don't want them to eat me."

"... fien."

"YEY C:"

"But only because you'd do the same."

"..."

"Right?"

"..."

"... RIGHT? !"

Matt sat down on the tongue and T.T'd.

"Mello," he said flatly. All hopes of canon was to be lost.

"Hmmm?"

"I swear by every brand of car that Chevrolet has ever come out with, that I will _find that diary,_" yes, that diary, discriminating against Matt, discriminating against everything, "And IWILLREADIT." And he lay down and rolled over.

Mello, if he had emoticon power, would be e.e'-ing right about now.

But then Mello started to worry.

If Matt did find the diary, whatever chick-girly-ass things Flapjack had written in there prior to their arrival, Matt would think this was Mello's doing.

…

"OHNO."

THE NEXT MORNING

… This was Mello's job. Matt should not be in these alleys.

The world of Flapjack-

FLAPJAAACK~

…

Was a dangerous one. But he squared his shoulders and walked to a green door that said "PRIVATE I" on it.

He walked into the store, and stopped when he saw a man cleaning lamps with something.

Matt froze.

"Looking to buy a lamp?"

"Uhhhhhhh..." Was it... it couldn't be... OMG IT WAS.

_"Give usssssss your cookiesssssss!"_

_"Or we won't let you passsssssss!"_

_"CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"_

"Hello?"

"Uh... huh?"

"Do you want to buy a lamp?"

"Oh..." he took a breath. "Are you a private investigator?"

The rapist narrowed his eyes and ducked under a table.

HE REMEMBERS ME. Matt crossed his legs, and backed up against a wall.

But nothing happened. Then he heard a whistling, coming from between two lamps.

He bent down to look at the rapist, who pushed aside the lamps, crouched on the floor. He looked stoned.

"Yes I am," he said, cocking his head. Then, turning his head even more, so that it was like... upside-fucking-down on the table, he said "What seems to be the problem?"

"Someone I know, is hiding my... uh..." Matt thought deep, and he thought hard. He had to say something that would intrigue a rapist, but something that wouldn't remind the rapist of who he was. So he wasn't going to say cookies.

… "Marbles... from me."

The rapist straightened up. "... marbles?"

"Y-yeah, marbles," Matt said, growing more confident.

He dropped to the floor, peeking out from beneath the table. "I suggest you..." he ducked under the table, then popped back up, "spy." Back down the rabbit hole. OHEYTHEREHEIS. "In disguise."

Matt blinked... He was a fucking blue muppet with a squidward nose and he was huge. WTF.

"What disguise... should I... wear, exactly...?"

He stood up again, pointing, then ducked back down again. "See that big lamp over there?"

Matt looked over his shoulder.

"W-what big lamp?" What sort of innuendo was _this_...? !

"Yeah, that's right, you didn't even notice."

"..."

"Perfect disguise."

SECREETTTT~~~~~~~~~~~

"WTF?" Matt was shoved into the next frame by a floating diary.

Mello tapped the pencil to his chin once more.

There had to be more synonyms for secret. He had a thesaurus right beside him, and written down, he had:

abstruse, ambiguous, arcane, backdoor, camouflaged, classified, cloak-and-dagger, close, closet, clouded, conspiratorial, covered, covert, cryptic, dark, deep, disguised, enigmatically, esoteric, furtive, hush-hush, mysterious, mystic, mystical, obscure, occult, on the QT, out-of-the-way, private, recondite, reticent, retired, secluded, shrouded, strange, under wraps, undercover, underground, undisclosed, unenlightened, unfrequented, unintelligible, unknown, unpublished, unseen, veiled, classified information, code, confidence, confidential information, enigma, formula, key, magic number, mystery, oracle, password, privileged information, puzzle, skeleton in cupboard, and unknown.

Tapping his chin once more, be began to think about how fast L would have thought of this.

Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in his head.

… well, above his head.

…. Literally. There was a lightbulb lit up above his head.

It was black and had red stripes, and the shade had an odd shadow in it. It had nice coat racks, too.

There was something odd about this lamp, but whatever. Mello shook his head and closed the book, thinking that he had enriched some little kid's vocabulary in a GOOD WAY.

He walked over to Near's teeth (a concept that seemed Beyond all strangeness to Mello) and shoved the book in between, walking past the lamp on his way back to his tonguebed.

"Yawn, yawn yawn," he said as he reached his hand up in the shade to turn the light off. But the second Mello put his arms on the coat racks for balance, the light went off.

This could only mean one thing.

IT WAS MOTION DETECTION.

Awed at his new lamp, he went off to take a catnap.

"... against my better judgment, good night sock."

"'Night, Mello-kun." The whole whale shuddered as if it pained Near to say this.

"Goodnight, Matt~"

… OHGODHEKNOWS. He knows. He knows. He saw Matt. He could see him, and he was just pretending to think Matt was a la-

"Wherever you may be."

…. .

THE NEXT MORNING... AGAIN~~

A shadow loomed over Mello's figure. Mello, having taken off his shirt to sleep on that so he wouldn't get covered in Nearspit, tossed and turned, sensing something wrong, sensing something, like...

"RAPIST!"

"AH! WHERE?" Matt jolted away from Mello's not-so-sleeping form and looked around.

Mello looked around wildly as well, his bedhead nice and poufy. He looked at Matt.

"Oh. Hey there. Where were you last night?" he asked. "Don't tell me you've found a CartoonNetwork girlfriend?"

"... what? No. I was counting cars," he said simply.

"... counting cars," he repeated unbelievingly.

"Yurp."

"... uh-_huhh..._"

"Counted two hundred and eleventy seven. C:"

"... that a game or something?"

"..." Inspiration. "Yeah, Mello. Yeah, it is a game. And you know what?"

"What...?"

"I bet you anything you can't count more cars than I did."

"..." I could see them, the gears turning in his head behind his eyes. He hated me at this moment, but I knew his weakness, and...

"No," Mello said. "No, I can count more than you. You know why? Because while I'm not number one, I'm still better than you," he said, getting up and sliding down Near's tongue. "And I _will_ count more cars than you," he said, walking out of Near's mouth.

"Pfft, no you won't," Matt said under his breath as he walked over to the teeth. "There are no cars in this godforsaken place."

Getting to his knees, he reached in between the two teeth, searching until he found a little leather bound black notebook.

"Yezzzzz... =:D" Matt ninja'd out Near's mouth, which sounded dirtier than it was.

There was a barrel conventionally placed outside Near's mouth. Matt slumped down by it, opening it.

What the fuck...

There were no stories, just... just...

The first half of the book consisted of merely names, just... Names. Matt blinked. Stalker much?

Then, the last four or five pages, in a different handwriting, there were words.

… the most recent ones were Mello. So Mello wasn't stalker. This could mean one of two things.

One, Flapjack-

FLAPJAAACK~~

… was a stalker. Two, this book with Hiragana on the front was some kind of residual item that had followed them into this world.

… PFFFT No way, there was only one way that that could happen, and this book was NOT in the commons room when they got slurped into the TV. Flapjack's-

FLAPJAAA-

FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK THE FUCK UPPPP.

… CK? :D

… T_T

.. -cough- world was just FUCKED UP.

Matt turned on his heel, throwing the notebook in the water, off to find Mello and inform him of the game (which you just lost, BTW) that wasn't real.

"WAIT." Near caught it with his... flipper... thing.

"...?"

"I saw your name."

"...!" Matt snatched the book out of Near's hand and flipped through it.

There, on the last page, was a short little paragraph about how bored Mello was.

_Sigh._

_Matt's out again, doing whateverthefuck he does. It's wet in here..._

_oh well. I'm bored. LALALALALARANDOMSCRIBBLETIME-_

Matt stopped reading and an evil grin crossed his face. "Ohmygod, Near, he's totally trashing you."

"Let me see!"

"No, no no no, you wouldn't be able to see through the tears."

"..."

"Ah, let's see, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt-"

"What?"

"Uh... Oh, here, Near."

"..."

"... ouch."

"What? !"

"Uhh... Near, Near... Near smells like a bathhouse, Near needs to stop shaving his eyebrows," Matt flipped through empty pages, "Near has octopus hair, Uh... Near needs to swim a few laps," turn, "Near clumsy, Near clumpy, Near sea monster, Near crossed-egg-eyes, ugh, WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT ME?"

"... It can't be all about me," Near said softly. "There... there _has_ to be something about you!"

"IT'S ALLL ABOUTTT YOUUUU."

"THEN LET ME SEE!" Near grabbed out with his flappy thingamajiggurs and grabbed the notebook.

"NO!" we played tug-of-war for about fifteen minutes until Mello came up and stole the book from us.

… Just like that. Because Near was a FISH and Matt's hands were wet.

… D:

"... I know I am over reacting, but... I can't trust either of you with my shit." he started to twitch. "I am deprived of my CHOCOLATE, I tried to HIDE IT, but I am GOING, FUCKING INSANE."

Near and Matt stared.

"... so GTFA AND STFA."

"... DX MELLO NO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SA-"

"LIKE HELL I DON'T. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO LIVE ON MY OWN."

"But Mello-kun, wh-"

"LIKE A HERMITTTTT."

~Five Minutes Later~

Mello sat on the beach with a beard and a bald head. His clothes were tattered and there was a black notebook beside him. He scratched his beard.

"Yep."

The notebook didn't respond.

He stretched. "Life of a hermit," he nudged it.

…

"Well, better go... and... find some food," he said, taking the diary with him.

He was walking, and walking, and walking, and suddenly-

"YOW WOW WOW! ZOW! ZOW! YOW WOW WOW!"

… WHAT THE FUCK? HELL! HELL! WHAT THE FUCK?

… this dimension was getting to him.

Anyway, there was a treasure chest... right there!

Mello stood there, diary in hand, and stared at this treasure chest.

Maybe there was chocolate in there...

Or maybe there were cigarettes in there! Mello stood up straight, anxious to tell Matt that he had possibly found a fix for his buddy, even though that would mean Mello wouldn't have any chocolate _still_, when he remembered: Oh, yeah, he had abandoned Matt to live like a hermit.

Lurrdurr.

…

He sighed and sunk to the ground by the chest, opening the diary.

_Hey, there, fancy little book. _

…

_I found this chest._

…

_And it could have some really cool shit in there._

…

_But it could have like, oh, I don't know, the feds in there. Or something. You never know with L._

_There could be a giant eraser sent from the real world as a trap to erase us._

… _What should I do-o-o-o? C:_

…

_Hello?_

…_.._

_HELLO? !_

… _HE-_

Mello looked up. There, by a tree, surrounded by banana peels, was a monkey.

He stood up, and walked over to this monkey.

The monkey, lulzly, had an exclamation mark pop up over his head for like 2 frames.

Mello did an e.e face.

AND THEN EXPLODED INTO FITS OF 'OMG IT'S A MONKEY! :D!'

Poor guy. Being a hermit... it killed his braincells, because he started imitating the monkey.

Or the monkey imitated him.

…

We're still not sure.

Anyway, he ended up picking the flea-ridden primate and, in a vain attempt to make a friend with it, picked up what he thought was a banana but realized it was a peel.

"What the..." there was writing on one of the... err, leaves of the peel.

_I like boots._

Mello 'e.e'-ed again. Then '-w-'-ed. "I know your se-e-e-e-e-cret, little guy," he said, nudging the fleabag on his head.

Wait...

It likes boots?

"... OMG I REALLY DO KNOW YOUR SECRET, BOOTS! :O"

Boots, who, over time, had gotten covered in dirt and either lost or Dora just wouldn't put up with his SHIT anymore, had been abandoned, and cast aside, began weeping.

Not crying.

WEEPING.

"Oh... oh? Uh... Boots?"

The monkey jumped off of Mello's head, weeping profusely.

"... Boots? I'm... I'm sorry? There. I apologized. Just..."

Mello did not like tears.

…

At all.

He tried to reach his hand out to the monkey, but suddenly-

"AH! WAH! WAH! WAAAAHHH!" Boots threw up his arms and ran to the other side of the 14x18 island (WTF?) and jumped into the water.

"..." Mello stood at the shore, twitching as bubbles popped up from the bottom for a while, before finally ceasing to float to the surface. "Great. A popular children's idle has committed _suicide,_" Mello said. "Yip-de-fucking-doo."

"Well, at least YOU're still alive," a familiar voice sounded from Mello's right side.

"MATT? ! WTF? WHY DID YOU FOLLOW ME? WHY ARE YOU ON NEAR'S HEAD? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, DID YOU SEE BOOTS KILL HIMSELF?"

"Uhm, because you're a fucking idiot, because I couldn't see you from inside there, and yes. Yes I did." he pushed the button on a video camera. "Got it on tape for the kids back at Wammy's."

"... great..."

"Mello, why don't you come home now?"

"... HOME? WE CAN GO _HO-"_

"He means get in his mouth."

"..."

"..."

":trollface:"

"..."

"... Fien. Hey, you know what? Boots knows how to write," he said, climbing onto Near's tooth.

"Oh, yeah? Is that what you were doing behind the trees? I couldn't see," Matt said, hopping into Near's mouth through his blowhole.

Don't ask, bro. Don't even ask.

"Err, knew. Yeah, I found his 'diary' on the bottom side of a banana peel."

"OH HEY!"

"What?"

"You have no right to get mad at us for reading your manly manliness manlihood-ish diary."

"... WE'RE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE! Except that's not my diary, lol. It's Flapjack's. See?" Mello said, holding up the page.

"... that's... all you wrote... is 'secret'?"

"Yurp."

"... I fucking hate you."

"So... how are we gonna get home?"

"..."

"Or at least to the next channel? Flapjack dimension is making my hands an odd color."

"Mello, that's the same for all of us," Near said from... up? Out there? Who knows. "I'm more blue than whi-"

"I AM THE FUCKING COOKIE MONSTER, BITCH," Matt said.

"Uh, Matt-" Mello said, but was interrupted.

"DO NOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT 'BLUE' WITH ME."

"Matt..."

"WHAT?"

"Don't hex us."

"..."

"Please," Mello was pleading.

He did NOT want to be Big Bird, or any other obscene character.

"..."

"... Wtf..."

"Matt, was that your stomach?"

"You heard that too?"

"..."

"Rain? What?"

"I think it's attempting to warn us of an oncoming storm, whatever it is," Near said unhelpfully.

"" Boots emerged from the sea, his mouth like, four hundred times bigger than it should be, his mouth a fuzzy mess.

"WTFH." everybody but Near- so basically Matt and Mello- said in unison. Then they looked at each other.

"Did Boots eat a TV?" Mello asked, disgustedly.

"... Don't know, don't care," Matt said, pointing forward. "ONWARD, MY NOBLE POIRPOSE. ONWARD!"

"... I don't like the looks of this..."

"Mello, go balance on a tooth," Matt said, doing the same on the right side of Near's mouth.

"Why...?"

"JUST DO IT MOFO."

"..."

Matt grabbed Near's tongue, pulling it forward out of his mouth. "ONWARD."

Near drove with startling speed into Boot's mouth, which was like a paradox. Matt and Mello were in Near's mouth, who was in Boot's mouth.

So it was like those Chinese dolls that eat each other.

… Ironic.

As Boot's mouth closed, he burped and shrunk back to his original size.

"We did it c:"

**Somewhere in the state of Oklahoma:**

**Tawny: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT ALL BY MYSELF.**

**Abyssehness: =/**

**Tawny: … I guess this kinda makes up for the FF's of FF's that I haven't been participating in... and this was partially you, because of Chatango... so... yeah, thanks for like, a paragraph.**

…

**Toward the beginning.**

…

**XDX Anyway. Yeah.**

**Lalalallaalalla rate, review, fave, and please, don't flame.**

**Or do.**

**Whatever floats your boat, bro.**

… **READ OUR SHIT ^^ **


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